Are anxiety and panic attacks killing your sex life? Because they are killing mine!
After nearly 20 years together my husband and I aren't having sex nearly as often as we used to. Some drop in frequency is perfectly normal as you and your relationship age but going from 5 times per day every single day to only once per quarter or even less in only a couple years can be devastating and puts some serious strain on a relationship.
I expected the frequency of our sex to drop a bit as we got older and our injuries started to catch up to use, what I wasn't expecting was to out of the blue start having serious panic attacks and health anxiety. They are absolutely killing my sex life and my relationship.
So what the hell can I do about it?
The obvious option is to go see a doctor and get on some anxiety meds asap, or get into therapy to work out whatever deep seeded mental issues I have that may be causing my problem.
But, I hate doctors, I hate therapists and I hate how being medicated makes me feel, and thanks to some childhood trauma, I have a difficult time even taking a tylenol so taking meds on a regular basis is not exactly an option.
Now before we go any further, I highly suggest that you do actually go see a doctor, or a therapist and if necessary, get on some helpful medication. I would suggest that you go see your doctor first and get yourself a check up, just to ensure that there isn't some underlying health condition that is causing your anxiety or panic attacks, before you do anything else.
If you have already been to see a doctor or are already on medication, or you are completely against the idea altogether, then I have a few idea's for you to try before you give up. Please note that I am in no way a professional here, I can only speak from my own personal experiences.
The first thing for you to try, which should actually be an established part of your relationship already, is communication. I know, it seem obvious, but you would be amazed at just how many couples don't have a deep level of communication. The discussion is always the same surface discussions, about bills, or work, or the kids. They never get passed that to get into the really deep stuff, like their dreams or goals or trauma's or what annoys them about their partner.
Not to brag but, me and my husband discuss literally everything all the time, almost to the point that it might be considered too much info for some. We discuss our hopes, fears, dreams, goals, trauma's, even how our morning poop went. We even discuss how frustrating it is dealing with my health anxiety and panic attacks, how depressing it is and how they are affecting our relationship.
Most days talking to my husband is what helps me get through my panic attacks. I tell him how I feel in the moment, what triggered it (if I know) what's going through my mind and even how annoyed or upset I am about having one. He usually sits and listens, tells me to "stop being dramatic" which is exactly what I want him to tell me and he reminds me that I will survive. Sometimes just talking to him gets my mind off the panic and actually helps me get through it a lot faster.
So seriously, go talk to your partner. I know anxiety and panic attacks are inconvenient and happen at the worst possible times, so if you can't talk to your partner right as it happens, talk to them as soon as possible afterwards. And don't just complain about it, have a real discussion about what is happening and how it affects the both of you. Listen to your partner and come up with a way for you two to touch base on a regular basis.
If you can't talk to your partner try talking to a friend or a loved one who knows that you suffer from panic attacks or anxiety. Or get on google and fin the phone number for your local mental health line and keep it handy in case you need someone to talk to you but can't get a hold of anyone. Or if you are extremely desperate and just need anyone to talk to you, call a phone sex operator. You will be pleasantly surprised to find out just how helpful and calming the operators can be.
If you are good in the communication department and looking for something else I still have a couple ideas.
The next option is to take things slow. I know, in the heat of the moment the last thing you want to do is slow down and it is easier said than done, but this might actually be the key to getting your sex life back.
Now when I say to take things slow, I mean literally slow down. I don't think you need to spend an hour holding hands before you move on to the next thing. Slowly kiss. Slowly undress. Slowly touch and be touched. Physically go slowly to give your body time to adjust to your increased heart rate rather than going from 0 to 60 in a couple seconds.
This slow down works especially well for me when I feel like my anxiety is really high already but I want to be intimate with my husband. For whatever reason, slowly raising my heart rate just works, plus going slow and exploring each other is hot. It feels more intimate and safe and helps build a better connection. Of course once you get going you can speed things up if you are feeling good enough. You can also slow things down if you start to feel off, even once you have started, if you feel your anxiety creeping its way in.
Sometimes all it takes is an abrupt change of pace to start or stop a panic attack. You know your body best, so do what works best for you. Start slow or stay slow or slow down half way through, there is no wrong way to do it. Just make sure you let your partner know what you need in the moment, nothing is worse than needing to slow down but not saying anything and being left to suffer your way through or cry alone after the fact.
If you find that going slow just doesn't seem to be working, you may be more like me. I need to be in control when I have high anxiety days or if I am having a panic attack.
Play with your power.
If you are always in control, you might need to let go and let your partner take control to help you. Or you might need to take control if you are always on the bottom.
Power play doesn't always have to mean switching up who is on top either, it can be full on power play in other aspects of your life. If you are always in control of every aspect of your life, work, home, relationship, etc, you may find that letting go of some of that control might be just what you need. Or, alternatively, if you are never in control in your work, home or relationship, you may find that stepping up and taking control in one way or another may be exactly what you need.
Sometimes, letting go of control or taking control is exactly what we need to get ourselves in the right space. Since we are talking about sex here, I will recommend that you start experimenting in the bedroom before you go any further. If you are going to go for full power exchange play or if you plan to play in bondage, make sure you fully discuss with your partner before hand and agree on a safe word. Also, make sure that all of your quick releases work and that you have an emergency exit strategy, just in case.
I can tell you from personal experience, nothing makes a panic attack worse than having a quick release malfunction. The ten second it takes to release you can feel like hours and that turns an already uncomfortable experience into an experience closer to trauma, and that can make a person never want to have sex again.
Lastly, if you are right in the middle of the hottest night of your life and you have even the tiniest panic attack, take a break. I personally have tried to just push through the small attacks and that is the worst thing you can do. The best thing to do is immediately take a break. Stop what you are doing and grab yourself a water, don't have your partner grab you one, the change from simply going into a different room for a minute can actually help. Then talk to your partner about what is going on, until you are calm enough to either continue where you left off, or if necessary, end things for the night.
Yes, body parts may get soft or dry up. Yes, you may need to end things for you. Yes, you can help your partner finish if you feel up to it.
Ending things early and suffering with some disappointment or even frustration for a night is a lot better than the alternative of pushing through and teaching your body to make a mental connection between sex and anxiety or panic.
Communicate to your partner what is going on and why you need to end things. Your partner may be a bit upset at first but in the end you will both be glad that you took the time you need.
Depending on how bad your anxiety or panic attack is, you may be able to keep things going by using toys, mouths or hands during your break and then you can get back to it after only a couple minutes. If yours are extremely bad like mine, you may need to completely end things for the night and try again on a different day.
Do what is best for you and your body, even if you think it might upset your partner. You know your body best in the end and only you can decide what is best for you.
If you have any tips or tricks for dealing with anxiety or panic attacks, please leave a comment. I'm sure our readers would love to hear from others on the subject, so don't be afraid to comment, you never know when your tip might work for someone else.
If you or someone you know is suffering from mental health like anxiety, take that first step to getting your life back and book an appointment with a health professional in your area.
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